Why Don't We Heal From A Divorce?

At its core, coaching is about relationships and helping clients get what they want even when they don't want to do what it takes. Coaching arose out of the business and sports world because people wanted more from their lives but didn't necessarily know what that was. Coaching has been described as an interpersonal technology that is there to support, guide, correct and teach skills while clients delve into what's keeping them from the life they want. A coach isn't there to give you answers but rather to help ask the right questions and then assess whether the answers are really answers.Divorce demolishes your personal world and the life you thought we were living. Suddenly everything is changed and keeps on changing. When we don't or can't keep up with the radical change happening we can find ourselves swept into a new reality that we aren't prepared to cope with. How well and rapidly you adapt will determine the rest of your life path. Folks that is not an overstatement
Divorce is a life altering process. You will never be the same. When people don't heal after a life trauma it's usually because they remain attached to some belief or view of the world that has been negated by the divorce and they won't or can't let go. Others cling to "being wounded" as if it were an identity and it gives them an excuse not to do "whatever". This usually manifests with statements like "I can't because." This is a state of mind that cans suck the life right out of you.
It's sad but true that we can't take our whole world with us when a divorce changes our lives. But we can usually maintain some elements, salvage and rework some others and be prepared to create what is necessary to fill the gaps. Determining what those things are is the work of reclaiming your life. A coach can help here because coaching is about the process of change. I know I benefited from the time and direction with my own coaches. My clients report how they have benefited when I share what I have learned.
Why is it so hard to give up our wounds and attachments and the power we get from them? My next comment will probably piss off a lot of people. For many of us who have had life traumas our first language and doorway to a form of intimacy is through our common wounds. We recognize someone who is also wounded and they us. So we start sharing scars, war stories and painful memories. When we do this we are speaking the language of "woundology".
We don't want to give up our language of "woundology" because it is our first language of intimacy. We have created all kinds of relationships around our bonding with wounds and most of don't want to give it up because we likely would have little more to say to each other. Yet giving it up is the single most powerful thing you can do for your biology. The goal is to forgive and let go of the holds our wounds have on us and how they define us.
What does it take to heal?
1) First we need to identify our wounds
2) Realize how important it is to have a witness, someone to hear and acknowledge your pain. But that needs to be limited. What you need to get out of your rut is someone to tell you it was hard but also to tell you that it's enough and it is time to move on.
3) Observe how much of you is using your wounds and how you have converted the wound to excuses to do or not to do certain things. Many excuses you have come from a wound. It's tough to give up your wounds because they have been converted to currency and you get a lot of mileage out of that currency.
4) What do I mean by the term currency. Currency is excuses. Give up victim dialogue. Stop hanging out with other victims because they will not be happy about your changing. If you stop talking the "victimology" language, what will there be for you to talk to them about? The currency of excuses allows us to get away with a lot.
Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.
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