High conflict personalities-the driving force behind the divorce disputes

Do you know someone who usually blames others and deny personal responsibility for their problems? Do you know someone who is relentless in his day in court and refused to entertain any suggestions to negotiate or mediate a dispute?
Most of us know at least one person like this. It might have been a client, friend, previous employer, family, or former spouse. There are numerous examples showing that personality, not legal questions, often bring conflict. Now consider the two families, just time.
The story of the two Divorcing families:
Family # 1:
Mr. Apple is considering divorce and invites the Council to a lawyer. Mr. Apple shares with his lawyer, who would like to resolve the dispute to the Court to reduce costs and maintain a healthy relationship with his ex-wife and soon to the children. Mr. Apple Representative recommends that the cooperation of the divorce process assistance mental health professional and financial professional.
Is a family house, two small children and retirement accounts. Mr. Apple's relatively successful, and has an annual salary of $ 150, 000.00. Through a process of cooperation the divorce a couple agrees that Mr. Apple provide Mrs Apple some nutritious because it has a demonstrated need for financial aid, and Mr. Apple provides two small children with alimony. In addition, Mrs. Apple remains in family houses, while Mr. Apple rents the apartment. After five or six working meetings Apple reach agreement and obtain a divorce for a total of $ 10,000.00.
Family # 2:
Mrs. Orange's furious that her husband and she wants him to pay for all the evils that she suffered during her life. She is looking for a lawyer with the initiation of the process of divorce. The Orange family also has a family home, two small children and retirement accounts.
After three years of disputes, more temporary hearing regarding a wide range of issues such as the restrictive orders, parenting plan, and alimony, Mrs. Orange finally gets the day of the Court with its second representative. Yes, its second representative! Shot first, because it was not aggressive enough. Court orders Mr. Orange pay Plains and the child support order and the family house for sale. Legal fees for Mr. and Mrs. Orange Total $ 100, 000.00.
So what can we learn?
Both families have had similar problems and concerns. Both families are lawyers. Both distributions are likely to be emotional, stressful experiences. But one family spent one tenth of what the other families spent a divorce. Why? Mrs. Orange has decided on a highly hostile approach to divorce. Its high conflict personalities will conflict. Her emotions are exaggerated, and her behavior was often inappropriate. Minor problems were portrayed as major conflicts, and continued in issues with great drama, long after Mr. Orange to let you go. Throughout the process, she's always somebody else to blame for her problems.
High conflict personalities (HCPs) are driving a large part of the dispute, and all would we be able to better identify and manage these personality types with a deeper understanding of HCPs. simply be aware that you could deal with someone who is a type of personalities of high conflict, and you may need some special skills and procedures to protect yourself, HCP, and others.
Arthur j. Grossman's lawyer Orlando Orlando, Florida law firm divorce with Grossman: Grossman p.a. located in winter garden. He has the title of master of laws from the dispute resolution program in the # 1 ranked in the United States, Straus Institute at Pepperdine University School of law. If you need to Orlando divorce lawyer, who will work with you to resolve your case effectively and respectfully, please call (407) 573 2301 or visit the Web pages of Grossman's Bench Grossman in a year. http://www.thegrossmanlawoffice.com/

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Find Court Accepted Online Parenting Classes

Finding court accepted parenting classes is not a thing of the future. The classes are held online today and are readily available. There are many reasons for looking for one of these classes, and in most cases, divorce is a major cause. In many states it is a requirement to take some kind of parenting class during a divorce before it can be made final. If you find yourself in need of a parenting class that is accepted by the courts, but you want something a little closer to home, then online classes will probably be great for you. Here are a few methods to find credible online classes that are accepted by a court near you:
1. Ask Around. There has been an explosion of divorce proceedings in the last 20 years. This fact alone can make finding a reliable friend to recommend a good online class very easy. Word of mouth is one of the best ways to get this information. Don't be afraid to ask, nearly everyone with a child and an ex-spouse has been through a parenting class, so speak up and you just might find a great class really quickly.
2. Online Reviews. When in doubt... look it up. One of the best ways to find a reliable and worthwhile online class is by looking up "parenting class reviews" online. When you get hit by a plethora of choices, don't panic! Just start looking through a few of them. You will be able to tell right away if you like what you are reading or not. When choosing any class, especially one about parenting, you want to make the right decision. The idea with this is to take your time and look at the reviews.
3. Direct to the Site. If, for some reason, you don't want to reflect on the unsolicited reviews of past customers, you can simply search the internet for "online parenting classes." That will also give you page after page of choices in classes; many very colorful, and which are meant to get your attention. Do you best to be unbiased and look at them, taking note of the top three you want to go back and look at again or perhaps request further information.
4. Make Some Calls. Make some calls to the courthouse of the city that you live in, or even City Hall. They will usually have a list of accepted classes, including a few online sites, which they can give you. The courtrooms can seem a little formal, I know, but don't let a little formality keep you from getting the information you want. The City Hall or Courthouse personnel will be happy to help you.
These are the top 4 ways to be able to find court approved online parenting classes. The longer you delay in getting enrolled, the closer you may be to contempt of court and failing to obey the court order... that would be bad. Get a move on and get your classes started today.
Ari Novick, Ph.D. is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a certified anger management and Parenting provider. Click here for more information on Parenting Classes Online
Dr. Ari Novick also provides world class online anger management classes
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Get Back With The Male I Divorced

I really want to get back with my ex-husband. This is likely to be a term that is being spoken by many ladies all over the world on a daily basis. Splits between couples are a frequent situation, and, sometimes one person is much more hurt by one than the other. If you've recently suffered from a split with your ex-partner then there could be things that you can do in order to get your ex back.
First of all you have to know exactly why he left you in the first place. A lot of reasons can be there for this. Perhaps he found a new mistress. It's possible it was because of the way you were acting or something you did. He could have lost his love for you.
You can find lots of various reasons why any relationship might begin to breakdown and there is completely nothing that you can do in order to get things back on track unless you know what the exact reasons were for the breakup in the first place.
You'll be able to find solutions to the problems after you have determined what the causes can be. It could just be that you need to make a change in the way you're behaving or maybe in the way that you have been treating him. Whatever the situation, you need to understand the difficulties and solutions, not only for your current partnership, but also for any future partnerships that you get yourself into.
After you have thought all of this through you then need to get in touch. Conversation is the only way of addressing the trouble and it is absolutely a better idea to call him up, rather than simply turning up at his door. When you do phone him and see him sure that you don't simply start arguing. This can be the worst way to handle the situation. Instead, tell him that you just wish to talk and that you should meet up, perhaps over meal, in order to discuss things properly.
When you see him ensure that you are looking your best. Don't automatically think sleaze, just something that attracts his eyes. Maybe an outfit that you wore for a romantic meeting once or anything else you know he enjoyed. It's astonishing how much help this is.
When you see your ex-girlfriend, it's better to not bring up your breakup. Just getting into this process is likely to bring up some unhappy emotions. Try to get to know the circumstance and take an active interest, instead. By doing this you are making the possibility for one more meeting.
If you do continue to meet up attempt to make things more special on each situation. I have been missing him so much lately, and I believe that he has been missing me. After some time, it'll recover.

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Heading Off The Nasty Divorce

Heading toward a nasty divorce? How could two people who were madly in-love end up resenting and in some cases hating each other? I wish I had the answer to that question because my desire is to see couples work through their differences and make the best out of sometimes difficult relationship issues.
Many spouses end up hurting each other before it's all over and in the midst of their fighting to get the best of each other, much pain is endured by many. Unfortunately, children, in-laws, friends and neighbors also suffer because of the marital discourse.
I'm sure that you have mixed emotions about staying together or ending your marriage. It is not an easy decision and one that you shouldn't take lightly. Your future and your legacy for your kids, if you have any, are riding on what you and your spouse decide to do. There are two questions I think you need to answer.
1. Is there any way to save my marriage?
2. If we can't save our marriage, can we have a respectful and decent parting of the ways?
Like I said before, divorce is not something that should be decided on a whim. I'm sure that you have been trying to find a way to fix your marriage problems and I commend you for doing so. Regardless of mistakes that have been made, if there is a possibility of forgiving each other and moving forward, your marriage can be saved.
So, why are so many marriages ending in divorce? My experience leads me to conclude that in most cases there is one of both spouses who have the disease of "I". Do you or your spouse have any symptoms of the "I" disease? Here are some of the symptoms;
• The need to have it your way all the time.
• An unwillingness to ever say that you were wrong or that you are sorry.
• The inability to see anyone else's pain, because if it's not about you, it's not important.
• The desire for your happiness to be obtained even if your spouse is unhappy.
• The unfortunate habit of allowing pride and ego get in the way of relationship.
You see many marriages are backwards and end up heading down the wrong path not too long after the honeymoon is over. Instead of learning how to sacrifice one's need for the sake of matrimonial bliss, individuals realize that marriage requires giving up some of the things they treasure. Over a period of years there is some resentment built up and before you know it, unhappiness settles in and the road to divorce court is embarked on.
Do I believe that you can save your marriage? Yes I do and I hope you do as well. I have faith that with some sacrificing and letting down of guards and positions, reconciliation and restoration can and will occur.
It is quite easy to get your marriage turned around, especially if that is what both partners want. The alternative is not pretty.
May I share with you what happened in my parent's marriage? I'll give you the short version;
My parents struggled greatly when I was around 5 years old and they fought often. My mom was pregnant and she found out that my dad was unfaithful. He physically abused her and she ended up shooting him a couple of times. He lived but needless to say they had a nasty divorce.
Now, I'm in no way implying that your marriage will end like my parents did. However, you really have no idea how nasty breaking up can become.
I hope and pray that you will do all that you can to try to save your marriage. You owe it to your spouse and yourself.
There are many marriage resources that you can utilize to give you some help in saving your marriage. At the very least, make sure that you have exhausted all options.
Finally, if you get to the point of going through with the divorce, please don't let the process change you and your spouse to the point where your joy is obtained by inflicting pain on each other. It's not worth it and in the end will lead to you feeling guilty and regretful.
The best way to head off the nasty divorce is to restore and rebuild your marriage. If you want more ideas on saving your marriage, please read more here; Help In Marriage
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Get Help To Save Your Marriage

Are you exhausted from trying to save your marriage? You feel like you've tried everything you can think of but are just plain tired of trying and ready to give up. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help. In fact, you should be proud of yourself for admitting that sometimes you just don't have all the answers. A fresh perspective and some new ways of looking at your relationship just may be what you need to save your marriage.
Online forums is a great place to find information on marriage problems and just about everything else, for that matter. Remember while using an online forum, that everybody's relationship circumstances are different. This will get you a variety of responses and can help you to think about things in a new way.
A professional marriage counselor could be a good choice to try to save your marriage. Choose one that has had many years of experience working with different types of couples and problems. Find out their success rate and look into their background.
Being comfortable with the counselor and being able to open up and share your feelings is essential. If your partner is uneasy with the counselor you've chosen, then ask them to help you look for one that you are both comfortable with.
Elderly or older couples who have been married a long time can be a great source of information and have certainly seen their fair share of marriage troubles. Marriage is always work, no two people will get along with each other one hundred percent of the time and talking to someone who has longevity in their marriage can be eye opening.
Talking with friends is a great way to relieve some stress and it's always nice to have someone who is on your side. Choose a friend who knows both of you and is fair minded. Someone who is looking from the outside may be able to see things you have overlooked. Ask them to tell you what they see and reassure them you will not be upset with them if they tell you something unbecoming of you or your partner.
There are all types of different resources on the Internet for help to save your marriage. There are some good e-books and full blown relationship courses with MP4 downloads, PDF files for easy reading and videos. Most of these programs offer help with dealing with the stress and depression that you go through when having relationship problems. Programs offering help in that way are some of the higher quality courses and should be something offered in any good e-book or course.
When problems aren't dealt with properly they become harder to solve. When words hurt they leave a wound that can fester into an infection that could destroy your relationship. Get some some help to start healing those old wounds and save your marriage.
Good Luck,
Rhonda
Rhonda McNish invites you to visit her web site all about relationships at http://www.solvelovetroubles.com/ You'll find articles about love, dating, marriage counseling and getting your Ex back. Solve your relationship troubles at http://www.solvelovetroubles.com/
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Enough Excuses Already

Why are people getting divorced? And why is it happening more often in today's day and age? In some states, it is extremely easy to get a divorce. In others, they require you to wait a certain amount of time living separate before making a permanent decision. Personally, I wish every state made you wait as well as require you to get counseling. I truly believe that living separately for a period of time would save many marriages. Since there is no waiting period is most states, and the states accept any reason for divorcing, it has become the norm to walk away from your spouse.After researching divorce for the past year, I have found some interesting facts about why people divorce and how the reasons differ in young marriages and long-term marriages. In general, the most common reasons for divorce, in no particular order, are poor communication, financial problems, lack of commitment, household duties and obligations, infidelity, time spent together, and lack of intimacy. It is fairly easy to decipher which reasons tend to affect the younger marriages. Nowadays, young couples work ridiculously long hours, which makes time together scarce. Financial problems also play a big role in divorce in younger couples due to the fact that they are just starting out with buying a new home, furnishing the home, and starting a family. Poor communication is a factor as well since a couple has not matured together and are still adjusting to living with another person. They tend to make decisions without consulting their partner which can cause very big problems as well.
I've found that in long-term marriages, the number one reason for fighting is due to a lack of communication. This lack of communication, in turn, leads to infidelity, alienation and lack of intimacy. It's clear to see that the lack of communication is the root of all evil, whether it is a young or long-term marriage.
I would like to stay on the topic of communication and what a huge role it plays in a relationship. It is amazing how many marriages could be saved if couples would just LISTEN to each other. Some couples claim to be listening, but what I have witnessed during my sessions with them is that they are not listening at all but waiting to talk. If you are waiting to talk, then it is impossible to absorb what your partner is saying. There is no listening involved. Sadly, I find that both partners are doing the same thing. This is where I stop the conversation and try my 8 Step Program, which seems to be very effective in resolving disputes. But it is not easy. It takes a lot of time and effort to get to a point where you can openly listen to your partner and understand what it is they are trying to express.
I can't emphasize enough how important communication is between partners. All problems stem from lack of communication. Infidelity doesn't just happen. There are reasons why people stray. Being ignored by your spouse and avoiding intimacy may just drive them into the arms of another person. A lack of respect is a very big blow to a man's ego; therefore, they try to find it through someone else. A woman needs to feel loved, but if her husband doesn't tell her that he loves her or doesn't show affection, she may find it with another man. In order to avoid those situations, you need to talk and express your feelings. The fear of doing that for both partners is rejection or criticism. In the past you've tried to express how you feel, but you were put down or ignored, so you found that it was much easier to just keep your thoughts and feelings and anger to yourself. This anger and hurt grows and grows until you stop communicating altogether. And that's when infidelity happens.
We must remember that we are supposed to be able to tell our partners anything. We are to trust and love each other enough to tell them when something is bothering us, and we must do it before it festers and becomes impossible to communicate what we are feeling. There has to be a time where you need to roleplay. It is the only way you can even come close to imagining what your partner is feeling and thinking. And it also gives you a chance to understand where they are coming from. Our egos are so big during a fight that neither partner wants to give in. No one is right or wrong when it comes to feelings. So there's no contest to win. Feelings are valid in both partners and they should be appreciated by both. No one is perfect. Your partner might have faults or habits or tics that you just cannot stand. But do you really think they are doing it on purpose? Your partner may be saying the same thing about you. You might have bad habits, faults or tics that annoy them. Wouldn't you want them to understand that you are not doing things on purpose to make them mad? You both should be accepting each other for who you are. Why would you want a spouse who is exactly like you? You will never find a perfect match. You were attracted to your spouse for who they are, not because you thought they were exactly like you. Change is very hard. We are who we are. If you are with someone thinking you will change them, or you go into a marriage thinking you will change them once you get married, you are in for a big surprise. It won't happen. So either accept them for face value, or find a way to get help for yourself because your ego has gone into overdrive.
My suggestion is to stop making excuses. Any problem can be solved with communication and compromise. Take my advice, which comes from first hand experience, if you are contemplating a divorce, take time to think about it. Separate for a short time if you need and seek guidance. Counseling is not for the weak. It is for the smart and strong and dedicated. It is not a weakness to ask for help. It is noble. If you absolutely cannot work out your problems, then seek the options I've written about in this article. Try counseling, positive guidance coaching, or separation before making that FINAL decision of divorce. Don't do something you will regret. Regret is not fun to live with.
I am always available for guidance and help in your marriage or partnership. Please don't hesitate to call and work on the problem immediately before it gets too far out of control and you make a decision you will regret. My goal is to stop divorce one session at a time. A happy and blessed marriage to all of you. Keep fighting. It's worth it!
Blessings, Coach Lisa, CTACC
http://www.lifecoachlisa.com
440-856-3670
Blessings, Coach Lisa
LifeCoachLisa
http://www.lifecoachlisa.com/
440-856-3670

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Fear - It Grips More Than The Relationship

I was ashamed of myself. I should have known better. Why did I allow this to happen? Why did I let this go so far? What the hell was I thinking? Men as well as women can be on the wrong side of an abusive relationship. I know, I was there, and these are just some of the thoughts that came to mind when I looked back and began to write my book about the experience. Although you see many stories and hear about women who are abused in some way, physically, mentally or emotionally, there are many men who find themselves on the receiving end.
The conclusions that I came to might surprise you, might even shock you, but the main conclusion I came to was this. Almost everything I did, was done out of fear. Fear of what might happen, fear of what could happen, fear of what people thought, fear of what people would say and ultimately, fear of the unknown. Maybe there are fewer stories about men in abusive relationships because of fear. They probably feel that as a man they might be viewed or ridiculed as being weak or pathetic, unable to stand up to a woman and take charge of the situation.
Personally and speaking from hard earned experience, I got myself into the relationship from hell. I often asked myself how I could have been so stupid to carry on with a relationship which was clearly never going to last. I got engaged; I got married and endured a honeymoon nightmare after a wedding day disaster that most people couldn't even imagine.
I believe that many people are in relationships, men and women that they just shouldn't be in. Like me they are or were in the relationship for the wrong reasons, one of the main reasons being fear. It's only when we step out of the fear factor and allow ourselves to be free, that we feel alive again.
Experience is a great teacher and in any lifetime we all have lessons to learn. I was lucky. My inner voices, or as I prefer to call them, my spirit guides, were on hand to steer me through the troubled times and get me to the other side. Here we have another major issue. Most often we are led by our brain and logic rather than being led by our hearts. We may often feel that our heart is talking but more often than not it's logic mixed with fear. It's only when we get quiet, we have time to reflect and truly follow the heart's desire. I know of no one who ever had the heart's desire to live in an abusive relationship, so the question is: Why do so many people find themselves there?
There is nothing wrong with admitting mistakes and leaving a relationship that isn't working. The trick is to leave the relationship and stay away. Going back on the promise of changes being made rarely, if ever work, especially if there has been a troubled and turbulent history. At best the changes will last a few days, a few weeks, or if you are really lucky, a few months. It's never too long before the old habits start repeating and you're back at square one. How long do you go on? How much do you take? How far do you let things slide, before you see sense and leave for good? All good questions and if you are in the wrong relationship, then I hope you answer them quicker than I did.
Like most everyone else I have lived my life in a predominantly linear manner. I mean I have always tried to figure everything out with brain power, willpower or mind power. The truth is that there is no real power in any of these. Sure we can logically reason and make decisions based on the information we receive through our brain or mind. The trouble with that is the information is filtered and based on beliefs or what we already know. Sometimes these filters are defective or fear based and the information we get can be faulty or incomplete.
Since writing "Orion & The Wildcat" I have found that my perspectives have changed or are beginning to change. I now believe that we should not be thinking with our minds but following our hearts instead.
Here is why:
In the book you'll discover the consequences I faced as I allowed my EGO and fears to be the basis for almost all the decisions I made. See for yourself the timeless wisdom that was being presented to me that was largely ignored. I also reveal the disastrous situations I found myself in due to the blind faith I had in logic and reason.
http://orionandthewildcat.com/
http://natureowisdom.com/

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Gaining Closure After Divorce/Breakup

Closing Time
It is very difficult to move forward into a new healthy relationship without closing the door one an old one. However, it is important to note that closure is not an absolute "must have". There will be many situations where, due to circumstances, closure is impossible. Besides, your goal is to get over this bump in the road and move on with your life. If you feel that meeting with your ex will cause you more pain, anger, and frustration than it's worth, then face to face closure may not be a great idea.
After all I've said thus far, if you still desire closure and the opportunity is available, then you can feel comfortable in moving forward and seeking closure. You should also be aware that face-to-face or in-person closure is not always needed, and sometimes the process is better achieved via the phone or-even better-in a letter or email.
Now that we have identified what closure is not and how it should not be used, let's take a look at three items that should comprise our main purpose and objectives. I call them the Three C's of closure.
1. Create
The goal here is to create a landmark for yourself to signify that it's over and that you have no intention of returning ever again. Of course, you don't speak these words; this exercise is for you, not to convey to your ex that you're over them. You shouldn't care what he/she thinks. The simple gesture of a good-bye, I wish you well, spoken from a place of clarity and balance as opposed to anger and frustration, is what we are aiming for. This is the type of traditional good-bye that we are all familiar with. It's less likely to create emotional turmoil or resentment than words spoken in anger.
2. Cooperation
This is where you tie up any loose ends. These are the same loose ends that could have easily been used as excuses when you were not as strong emotionally. The sweater she left behind, or his favorite pair of jeans that he left at your house-this is the time to return them. In short, any financial obligations or items of personal property can now be dealt with.
3. Care
This is the most important part of closure, but the care is not for your ex; it's for you. This is your opportunity to release yourself from any feelings of guilt over breakup. Remember, this is for you, not the other person, so don't feel the need to offer an apology or a lengthy explanation. A simple "I truly am sorry for the way things turned out" is good enough.
If they offer an apology for their part, again, don't go into details, just say "Thank you, I appreciate your apology"
Once the Three C's have been addressed, there is no need to drag it on any longer than necessary. Thank them for their time, give them a quick hug if you want, but that's it-the door is closed, and you are out!
Respectfully,
Jason
Visit my blog for more Breakup Recovery Strategies - http://www.breakuprecoveryblog.com/
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How Can Communication Help My Marriage?

"Don't you remember I told you that I would be running errands after work today? I told you last week while you were in the shower. You never listen to me", as she scolded her husband!
It's amazing how at times we think someone is listening to us when in reality they are not! Who would want a message delivered to them while taking a shower and how many of us would remember what was said? Think about this: when was the last time you had a heart-to-heart talk with someone that truly communicated back with you? How many of us assume that the one we're talking to really understands what we're thinking or what our next move will be? Many people make those assumptions and I see them in my office everyday!
Today we are going to look at ways to communicate better. How can we get our message across with total understanding? Let's face it; one of the primary reasons for divorce is that couples do not know how to communicate with each other. Lack of effective communication is also a big reason why companies have problems in the work place. As parents we all struggle at times with communicating with our children. It can even happen on the football field and basketball courts at the professional, collegiate, and high school levels.
A few years ago I encountered a married couple that argued with each other throughout the counseling session. Each claimed that the other was not listening as they went back and forth. I watched and listened to this for a few moments then interrupted them by saying, "Whoa, whoa, listen to yourself! You're both talking at the same time and cannot hear what the other is saying." They stopped and looked at each other and laughed. They 'got it' after it was pointed out to them. How can we know what's on our mate's mind and heart if we don't take the time to listen to each other? Lack of communication happens on the football field when one defensive back, gives up a touchdown because of his lack of communication with the other defensive backs on his team!
What are some of the skills we need to learn so we can communicate better? First of all, we need to take time to listen! Next, we need to learn how to verbalize our wants, needs and desires. Fully explain what those are and don't assume the other person understands and knows what you want. Go point-by-point and cover the important issues that will help the other person understand where you are coming from. It's really that simple! Unlike the woman who told her husband she was running errands while he was taking a shower, we need to learn how to communicate at the right time and the right place to avoid a misunderstandings, confusion and arguments.
Do you have a difficult time communicating with others? Do you lack the skills you need to get your point across? Do people misunderstand what you tell them? Has your lack of communication hurt you in your past and current relationships with friends and family?
If you need help in learning the art of communication, try sitting down with some friends and talk to them, let them know your struggles with being able to communicate. The tips that I have suggested will help you.
Going through a painful divorce can be ugly, fighting to keep a marriage from failing can be exhausting. It takes work either way, to end a marriage or save one, that's where I can help you. I have been doing this kind of work for over 25 years. If you need someone to talk to, you can go to my website at applicablecoaching.com or idontwantthisdivorce.com for additional information.

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Helping Children Through the Holidays After the Divorce

When Mom and Dad divorce their children are faced with many life changes. As loving and concerned parents we try to minimize the pain and reduce the chaos brought about by new routines and schedules. We also try to focus on making this new chapter in life as positive and supportive as possible for everyone in the family.
One of the toughest transitions for children is often coping with the first holiday season. Our challenge as parents is to create new traditions and activities that can replace the memories of family holidays in the past. Here are some suggestions on how to help your children through the holiday season in the best possible spirits.
• Show compassion:
Talk to your children about the holidays. Listen, rather than lecture, and let them vent about their feelings, regrets and frustrations. Acknowledge what they are expressing to you and be understanding. Be aware that some children will hold their feelings in as an attempt to protect you. Reassure them that it's okay to talk about their sadness as well as apprehension about what they will experience this year.
Remind your children that what they are feeling is natural and normal. Be there for them with reassurance and hugs. Also let them know that some activities will still be part of their holiday celebrations so they understand that much of life continues in the same way, despite divorce.
• Model Responsible Behavior With Your Ex:
Studies show that children whose divorced parents get along with one another adapt more easily to the divorce. So talk to your ex about giving your children a happy holiday season in every possible way. If you can both spend some family time together with the children, without discord, they will appreciate your efforts. If you can't, at least strive to make the drop-off experience peaceful and harmonious. Never bad-mouth your ex to the children, make them your messenger or have them spy for you at their other parent's home. Model your best, most respectful and mature interactions with your ex in front of your children so they can enjoy their childhood, especially at this time of year.
• Start Creating Wonderful New Memories:
This year will lay the foundation for many holidays to come. So think about new ways to celebrate, new places to visit, new foods to prepare. By creating a fresh set of traditions you will give your children something to look forward to. By replacing old memories with the new, you can make the holidays special again for them. And if they do the same in their other parent's home, they can enjoy an even fuller experience of celebrating the holidays.
By acknowledging your children's feelings with compassion while offering them new options for keeping the holidays special, you are giving your children an important gift: the love and support they need to overcome the challenges of being a child of divorce.
Recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a divorce coach and author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where you can get her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting as well as her free weekly ezine, blog, useful articles, valuable divorce resources, coaching and other services for creating a child-centered divorce.

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Glad your children during divorce

It is never easy for married couples go through separation or divorce. Whether it's the first time, or not, the process may be difficult for a man and woman. There are many things to think about including your children's well-being.
When children are involved, parents need to know that the best they can to protect them from stress, or emotional disorder. Children may be the most affected by the separation, in particular if they are close to the mother and father. It is at this point, then they had to ensure the continued love and support, despite what you and your partner are going through.
It is important that parents don't show their children all the games that they may have. As far as possible through your separation or divorce in a discreet manner, the better you can spare the children from emotional stress. You must understand that it can be hard for children to accept and understand at first, the decision of their parents, to end their marriage.
But it certainly helps to keep children happy and positive disposition some simple steps. The first thing you can do is help them to understand, that from this moment will live with only one parent because of its decision to separate from each other. It would be better if you and your partner to sit down and discuss this issue with them.
If you include its decision, that some of the stress from your children. However, you can make sure that you will continue to help and support through the difficulties they may encounter. Let them know you always love and care about them, and that is you. Keep in mind, to inform them of its decision in frank still loving manner. It is better to be honest with your children problems from them and later regrets his decision when they come from other people.
Try to trust his ex wife to be a good parent to their children, when with him or her. Let your children in their natural self with the other parent and avoid telling them what to do. Avoid negative comments, and also as regards your former partner from your children. You're just causes them to rebel against the other parent. The ultimate aim should be to let children to maintain good relations with both parents, even if they no longer live together.
Your cooperation as a similarly critical. When children see their parents still friendly and to become the best parents on their own, they will be able to maintain emotional stability. If this occurs, it would not be difficult for them to build a happy disposition in life, despite the fact that their parents are divorced.
It is still possible, even in the event that you and your spouse have decided to separate the happy and healthy children. It takes committed and loving parents to do it.
Information about marriage and family counseling please visit The family and marriage counseling directory, one of the top directories for therapists in the US and Canada.


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How Does Divorce Affect Children? Introspection Through Their Drawings

Divorce affects children in various ways, depending on their age, personality, family reactions and support, responses from their peers and so on. The mother of John, who is 7½ years old, wanted to check her son's emotional status following her divorce. She sent us his drawings from the last year, asking for guidance based on his specific personality.His drawings showed a reality of running away, which is not progressive or positive, but keeps the child from coping with his difficulties and receiving support from his close surroundings.
In one of his recent drawings, the flowers are not a bloom, the sun is distant and seems not to provide any heat and there is no interaction among the various elements on the page, as typical of his age. Consequently, we assumed that John perceives his world as cold and remote, lacking happiness and social life.
Social rejection, as in this case, is one of the effects divorce can have. Studies show that children of divorced parents tend to be socially rejected more than their peers. Therefore, they require close attention and support in order to build healthy relationships that will improve their mood and general functioning following their parents' divorce.
Children's reactions to divorce
About a year after the divorce, studies identified successful emotional working through of the divorce among most children: the pain and the suffering weakened, and were replaced by acceptance of the new reality. However, while most children accepted the divorce as final, younger children in particular tended to continue clinging to their fantasies of family reunion.
During the first year after the divorce most families are in the first stages of dealing with the change.
Studies have specified several key negative reaction patterns which characterize this period:
Aggressive reactions enable the child to vent feelings of anger and helplessness, and in many cases take physiological form as in vomiting, facial spasms, weight fluctuations, sleeping disorders, and depression. These actually represent emotional adjustment difficulties. They are designed, in most cases, to signal overwhelming stress and distress he is experiencing in the aftermath of divorce. In some cases they are also unconsciously designed to force the parents to cope with the child's health problems rather than focus on their own emotional conflicts.
Attempts to mediate between the parents. This reaction is combined with the intention of returning the family to its previous state, and development of age-inappropriate dependence on one of them.
The development of such dependence is contingent on the child's age and personality, but it finds its expression in emotional patterns (emotional regression and need for intimacy that is not age appropriate), negative social reactions such as withdrawal or materialistic compensation mechanisms (like excessive demand to buy toys and the like).
Identification with one of the parents. Children who identify with one of the parents do so to gain power and meaningfulness. In general, absolute identification with one of the parents requires the child to detach himself from the other parent or to reduce the frequency and quality of contacts with him.
Escapism. Physically running away from home is characteristic of adolescents. It enables some children to avoid direct coping with the implications of divorce and consequently to evaluate the events around him from a more distant and objective perspective. There are children whose temporary escape from home enables them to find a supportive environment where they can cope emotionally with the divorce.
Another, more subtle form of escape is cramming the day with a great variety of activities, to reduce the time spent at home to a minimum.
Preoccupation with an imaginary world is another, more cognitive form of escape. This form of escape enables the child to avoid the painful facts of the child's daily life. The imaginary world serves as a haven in times of distress.
It is important to remember that for children of separated parents, entering the imaginary world is therapeutic and therefore must not be prevented. Therefore, we must carefully assess the proportion of imaginary elements in the drawing, and remember that they comfort the child by providing protection and a safe haven.
Michal Wimmer invites you to learn more about children's drawings analysis.
Get our FREE guide to interpreting children's drawing at: http://www.roshida.com/Drawing_analysis/newsletter.html
Roshida specializes in training and providing individual analysis based on children's drawings. http://www.roshida.com/

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How to File a Divorce - Divorce Procedures

Before you file for divorce, you should exhaust every measure first to save your marriage, such as entering into counseling. Before you start divorce procedures, the courts will ask for evidence that you made all reasonable efforts to reconcile, and a certification from a counselor can help. There are a number of grounds which can be cited when filing for divorce, including adultery, separation without consent for at least four years or with consent for at least three years, desertion for at least two years and difficult behaviors such as spousal abuse and alcoholism, drug or gambling addiction.The first step is to file all the necessary paperwork to the courts. This means that when you file for divorce, you will have to submit a writ of divorce accompanied by a statement of claim citing the grounds under which you are seeking divorce.
In addition, the spouse filing for divorce must also submit a proposal stating how any minor children of the union will be provided for after the divorce is finalized as well as a housing plan detailing how the shared domicile will be disposed of. Once these documents have been received by the courts, they will serve a notice of action to the respondent-spouse informing them that a divorce procedure has been initiated.
If the respondent has no objections to the grounds given, then the procedures will continue with a Status Conference scheduled by the court within six weeks from the respondent's declaration that he is not disputing the grounds. On the other hand, when you file for divorce, the respondent may question the grounds; in this case the spouses have to enter into court-mandated counseling until they reconcile or they decide that divorce is inevitable. In this case, they must file affidavits to this effect.
The final step is a three-month cooling-off period, which is considered a last-ditch effort by the courts to save the marriage. Before granting the divorce, the judge must be absolutely convinced that the union is beyond repair; to conclude the process, he or she will award a certificate of divorce. Both parties are free to wed again three months after the certificate has been awarded.
All in all, divorce procedures will take months or even more than a year depending on how long attempts at reconciliation will take. Taking this into consideration, do weigh the pros and cons carefully. Divorce should always be the last resort.
For those going through the big D, there are many resources out there that could help you alleviate the pain and pull through this difficult moment. For more details on legal advice, do refer to sgdivorce.the101guide.com

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Why Don't We Heal From A Divorce?

At its core, coaching is about relationships and helping clients get what they want even when they don't want to do what it takes. Coaching arose out of the business and sports world because people wanted more from their lives but didn't necessarily know what that was. Coaching has been described as an interpersonal technology that is there to support, guide, correct and teach skills while clients delve into what's keeping them from the life they want. A coach isn't there to give you answers but rather to help ask the right questions and then assess whether the answers are really answers.Divorce demolishes your personal world and the life you thought we were living. Suddenly everything is changed and keeps on changing. When we don't or can't keep up with the radical change happening we can find ourselves swept into a new reality that we aren't prepared to cope with. How well and rapidly you adapt will determine the rest of your life path. Folks that is not an overstatement
Divorce is a life altering process. You will never be the same. When people don't heal after a life trauma it's usually because they remain attached to some belief or view of the world that has been negated by the divorce and they won't or can't let go. Others cling to "being wounded" as if it were an identity and it gives them an excuse not to do "whatever". This usually manifests with statements like "I can't because." This is a state of mind that cans suck the life right out of you.
It's sad but true that we can't take our whole world with us when a divorce changes our lives. But we can usually maintain some elements, salvage and rework some others and be prepared to create what is necessary to fill the gaps. Determining what those things are is the work of reclaiming your life. A coach can help here because coaching is about the process of change. I know I benefited from the time and direction with my own coaches. My clients report how they have benefited when I share what I have learned.
Why is it so hard to give up our wounds and attachments and the power we get from them? My next comment will probably piss off a lot of people. For many of us who have had life traumas our first language and doorway to a form of intimacy is through our common wounds. We recognize someone who is also wounded and they us. So we start sharing scars, war stories and painful memories. When we do this we are speaking the language of "woundology".
We don't want to give up our language of "woundology" because it is our first language of intimacy. We have created all kinds of relationships around our bonding with wounds and most of don't want to give it up because we likely would have little more to say to each other. Yet giving it up is the single most powerful thing you can do for your biology. The goal is to forgive and let go of the holds our wounds have on us and how they define us.
What does it take to heal?
1) First we need to identify our wounds
2) Realize how important it is to have a witness, someone to hear and acknowledge your pain. But that needs to be limited. What you need to get out of your rut is someone to tell you it was hard but also to tell you that it's enough and it is time to move on.
3) Observe how much of you is using your wounds and how you have converted the wound to excuses to do or not to do certain things. Many excuses you have come from a wound. It's tough to give up your wounds because they have been converted to currency and you get a lot of mileage out of that currency.
4) What do I mean by the term currency. Currency is excuses. Give up victim dialogue. Stop hanging out with other victims because they will not be happy about your changing. If you stop talking the "victimology" language, what will there be for you to talk to them about? The currency of excuses allows us to get away with a lot.
Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.
To get FREE resources please go to http://www.realisticcoaching.com/ at the end of the Products area.

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Is Your Spouse Having an Affair?

Astoundingly, you will find more and more accounts of spouses getting into adulterous affairs, especially from infidelity forums over the Internet. Generally, people having extra-marital affairs usually display sudden and noticeable changes in their behavior. If you are quick enough to recognize the signs, it's never too late to get proactive in preventing such an affair to prolong.Looking back, most deceived spouses remember too well that there were indeed apparent extra-marital signs present that they just chose to shrug off or overlook. Spouses must take heed of warning signs of infidelity before it is too late. There are many subtle signs of unfaithfulness, but the most telling sign you can ever encounter is your intuition. Surely, you have made numerous right decisions by following your intuition.
There are many key indicators that can help you identify whether your partner is hooked in another relationship. One of the most common signs of infidelity is the abrupt change in your spouse's daily routine, such as changes in their work habits or unexplained business travels. Another tell-tale sign of infidelity is when your partner seems inaccessible at most times, like turning off their cell phone or not responding to voice mails.
You might have to pay more attention also when your partner starts becoming more conscious of his dress sense and physical appearance. Cheating spouses usually tend to be mindful of how presentable they should look when they head out of their house. One of the worst scenarios you might come across is when you detect your partner's clothes carrying an unfamiliar smell or perfume from work.
Most deceiving spouses spend less and less time with their partners and family. You must be wary when you notice that your husband/wife is going out at strange hours without any definite explanation as to his/her whereabouts. These obvious signs are not to be taken lightly especially if it is already constantly happening.
Don't turn a blind eye when your spouse is acting differently from his normal self and is starting to ignore you. If your spouse is displaying one of the possible signs of infidelity cited, then there might be nothing to it; however if most or all of the scenarios given are all there, then something's not quite right and you have to do some proactive investigation.
There are no guarantees in marriage. Even the most loving and responsible husband/wife can get caught in the web of temptation. Would you wait for that time to come? Be on guard and be aware of what is happening before everything is too late.
Learn more about the signs of having a cheating spouse at How to Prevent Divorce today.

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The Oedipus Complex in Divorce Situations

In situations where unconscious shame and mutual idealization have played a large role in a marriage, if the relationship breaks down and the couple divorces, they usually battle one another to see who will be the "winner" and who the "loser". They often try to enlist the loyalty of their children against one another; the parent who can get a child to turn against the other parent will then feel triumphant over the former spouse. This is a tragic instance of the narcissistic needs of that parent overriding his or her concern for the welfare of the child: desire to take vengeance on their ex drives them to sacrifice the child's fundamental need for a good relationship with both parents.
This dynamic always damages the child, but it can be doubly toxic when added to an Oedipus Complex dynamic. Here's a scenario that may be familiar to many of you. I'll describe it in relation to divorced mothers and their sons because I'm more familiar with that situation, though it would also apply to fathers and daughters. In cases where the husband's infidelity instigated their divorce, the ex-wife may often have legitimate grounds to be angry, but that wouldn't justify the kind of destructive behavior you sometimes see.
I'm thinking of the ex-wife who makes her son into the "little man", who turns to him for the sort of companionship she might look for with a spouse, and who confides thoughts and concerns inappropriate for a child to hear. She might discuss her financial situation in ways that subtly make the boy feel responsible and protective; she might complain to him about the difficulties of her new status as a single woman and the burdens of running a household alone. Looking to a son to assume some of the chores her ex-husband might have shouldered is one thing; asking him to step into his father's shoes as confidante and life partner is another.
The ex-wife's attempts to poison the relationship between father and son make the situation much more lethal for the boy. You may recall that in Freud's view, the Oedipus complex is "resolved" when the son identifies with his father, internalizes him as part of his conscience as conceived of in the id ego superego model of the mind. That resolution implies an intact family, where the father's authority opposes the son's desire for exclusive possession of his mother; it depends upon the boy's respect for his father and an awareness that the father doesn't actually want to retaliate for those patricidal impulses the son may have harbored.
So what happens when the mother enlists her son as a surrogate husband and at the s

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Your ex-wife is still in the House? Former man who Cohabitate

Some people have to go home to her parents in tough economic times, but imagine sharing a House with ex husband?
"I blame on the economy," growling domineering Al Goodwin, crumbling in the bar after a long day on the site of its Seattle, Washington. Rugged 52-year-old master runs no wounds, complains about the other growing irony: former friends who Cohabitate.
Since the collapse of the American economy, many divorced couples, deemed necessary to continue to share of the mortgage. Recession, layoffs and "is just plain poor are practically unable to move. And what if I am? " Al requires. "In the world where I am? I'm in the House under the water and would suffocate under more debt and more damage to my child's financial future. "Los Angeles, on the basis of a marriage therapist, Cindy McCorkran, LMFT, agrees that it makes more financial damage would resolve the crisis."If you have two people who doctor, what's wrong with? If you are in the same boat together is more willing to harmonise both their assets if they are on the line. "
The Children?
There is a reasonable expectation that someone will move sometime during the divorce and if both parents are divorced but still live together? "That's a lot to explain," agrees Louis Cavanaugh, Ph.d., a specialist in Las Vegas. ": You break the inevitable news and boom! You two are still share the same roof. It's definitely the children if they are not old or sufficiently understand adults. It's somewhat annoying, at least, in the first and foremost, your children, getting divorced but financial impact can be devastating. If you'll figure it out, so as soon as possible on the legs that can help you on your children. "
Financial consequences
The phenomenon of former friends who cohabitate is relatively recently. However, it may be in the unification of the former combative cohort. For example, if you are under the gun to share premises and, at least do it with the proverbial devil you know. Now that you have very little choice: it's when you move home with your parents with his tail between his legs.
Reconciliation is a potential result?
The jury at that. "But divorced cohabitants, contemplating reconciliation whereas that managed to survive this kind of storm. A special way, brought the domineering people to a better understanding, "says Cindy.
Kristina Diener, FAAETS, SAP, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma relating to divorce and assault. Kristina, visit kdienerpsyd@pacbell.net or http://www.kristinadiener.com/.

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Trust - Part 2

If you've been wounded by others in who you put trust or found you have made decisions of a nature where you question yourself you'll know what I mean. How do we know when we're ready to trust again? Ultimately you have to establish your own criteria. To help you along the way here are some possible criteria:- Are you able to be honest with yourself about your emotions or are you still hiding behind some contrived mask?
- Are you able to be honest with someone you believe is in your corner about your emotions?
- Can you ask others for emotional help when needed? If no, why not? Can you get that you are not a rock. Not an island?
- Can others rely on you to be there for them? If not why?
- Are you comfortable with Intimacy (in to me see)? Intimacy involves trusting that our vulnerability won't be violated.
When you fear being intimate you will tend to avoid it. That's a no brainer. It's self-evident that fear of intimacy is a major barrier to creating and accepting any displays of trust. When there is no emotional honesty how can you have an authentic, person to person relationship? When we are with someone where we don't feel safe revealing ourselves or can't share our thoughts and experiences we're not in an authentic or life nurturing relationship.
Staying "safe" by not trusting cuts you off from life. Recovery involves moving from a place of fear and trust to a place of opening to trust and seeking the rewards that come from it. Nothing is guaranteed but there is endless possibilities.
"A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are for". Unknown
If you believe no one can be trusted then no one will be trusted regardless of the merits of another person. When are trust is violated we become disillusioned. By that I mean we all have an illusion of how we think life should be. We live according to illusion which may or may not be rational or wise. When I was studying with a very eclectic spiritual teacher she once told be that: disillusionment may be a teacher's greatest gift to the student. As long as you have illusions you are not standing in the moment or seeing what is true. What is happening is happening. What is, Is.
What I'm suggesting is not go headlong into trusting anyone until you have experienced them in a number of encounters to measure their character.
As you open to the possibility of trusting and being vulnerable remember that not trusting is fear. Using caution and discernment are not fear based but rather an announcement of a clear choice to avoid outcomes which do not please you, and which do not represent who are or who you choose to be.
Most of my working life has been involved in helping people in crisis and life transitions. I started as a street cop where I learned to deal calmly with difficult and explosive situations. After graduating from college I left the PD and went to the largest independent insurance adjusting company in the world. Along the way I spent 6 years as a shift supervisor with a large crisis center handling suicides, spousal abuse, drug and alcohol issues, rape, incest and people with codependency issues. In 1999 I completed a 2 year program to be a life coach and specialize in crisis issues like divorce.
To get FREE resources please go to http://www.realisticcoaching.com/ at the end of the Products area.

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