How Does Divorce Affect Children? Introspection Through Their Drawings

Divorce affects children in various ways, depending on their age, personality, family reactions and support, responses from their peers and so on. The mother of John, who is 7½ years old, wanted to check her son's emotional status following her divorce. She sent us his drawings from the last year, asking for guidance based on his specific personality.His drawings showed a reality of running away, which is not progressive or positive, but keeps the child from coping with his difficulties and receiving support from his close surroundings.
In one of his recent drawings, the flowers are not a bloom, the sun is distant and seems not to provide any heat and there is no interaction among the various elements on the page, as typical of his age. Consequently, we assumed that John perceives his world as cold and remote, lacking happiness and social life.
Social rejection, as in this case, is one of the effects divorce can have. Studies show that children of divorced parents tend to be socially rejected more than their peers. Therefore, they require close attention and support in order to build healthy relationships that will improve their mood and general functioning following their parents' divorce.
Children's reactions to divorce
About a year after the divorce, studies identified successful emotional working through of the divorce among most children: the pain and the suffering weakened, and were replaced by acceptance of the new reality. However, while most children accepted the divorce as final, younger children in particular tended to continue clinging to their fantasies of family reunion.
During the first year after the divorce most families are in the first stages of dealing with the change.
Studies have specified several key negative reaction patterns which characterize this period:
Aggressive reactions enable the child to vent feelings of anger and helplessness, and in many cases take physiological form as in vomiting, facial spasms, weight fluctuations, sleeping disorders, and depression. These actually represent emotional adjustment difficulties. They are designed, in most cases, to signal overwhelming stress and distress he is experiencing in the aftermath of divorce. In some cases they are also unconsciously designed to force the parents to cope with the child's health problems rather than focus on their own emotional conflicts.
Attempts to mediate between the parents. This reaction is combined with the intention of returning the family to its previous state, and development of age-inappropriate dependence on one of them.
The development of such dependence is contingent on the child's age and personality, but it finds its expression in emotional patterns (emotional regression and need for intimacy that is not age appropriate), negative social reactions such as withdrawal or materialistic compensation mechanisms (like excessive demand to buy toys and the like).
Identification with one of the parents. Children who identify with one of the parents do so to gain power and meaningfulness. In general, absolute identification with one of the parents requires the child to detach himself from the other parent or to reduce the frequency and quality of contacts with him.
Escapism. Physically running away from home is characteristic of adolescents. It enables some children to avoid direct coping with the implications of divorce and consequently to evaluate the events around him from a more distant and objective perspective. There are children whose temporary escape from home enables them to find a supportive environment where they can cope emotionally with the divorce.
Another, more subtle form of escape is cramming the day with a great variety of activities, to reduce the time spent at home to a minimum.
Preoccupation with an imaginary world is another, more cognitive form of escape. This form of escape enables the child to avoid the painful facts of the child's daily life. The imaginary world serves as a haven in times of distress.
It is important to remember that for children of separated parents, entering the imaginary world is therapeutic and therefore must not be prevented. Therefore, we must carefully assess the proportion of imaginary elements in the drawing, and remember that they comfort the child by providing protection and a safe haven.
Michal Wimmer invites you to learn more about children's drawings analysis.
Get our FREE guide to interpreting children's drawing at: http://www.roshida.com/Drawing_analysis/newsletter.html
Roshida specializes in training and providing individual analysis based on children's drawings. http://www.roshida.com/

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The Best Way to Support a Friend Through Their Divorce

Divorce is nowadays such a frequent occurrence that many of us are going to find ourselves needing to be supportive of a friend who is struggling to come to terms with their breakup. We may be in the unfortunate situation of needing some support ourselves.Everyone is different and each of us experience loss and hurt in our own way. For some people they may be devastated that the love of their life has left them. Others may be relieved that their loveless ordeal is finally over. For some the breakup may mean public humiliation or financial hardship. There are many personal considerations that are unique to each situation.
Friendships can be severely tested when one person is dealing with the trauma of a breakup. They may become preoccupied, bitter, distraught as well as having many practical matters that take time and drain their emotional energy. Emotions often run high, tension can seem to be constant factor and it can feel like a never-ending crisis. It can be especially hard if you have been friends with both parties or appreciate the other person's point of view.
Let's look at some ways you can help a friend through their divorce.
- Listen. Sometimes it is important to let your friend have their say. They may need to vent and get things off their chest. People often feel better for simply having verbalized their distress. You may need to nothing except listen.
- Call time on the talking. If a friend becomes obsessed or preoccupied with their ex and constantly repeats old grievances over and over again, there can come a time when it is important to introduce other topics into the conversation. This does not disrespect their hurt. It simply allows them and you to have a break from the relentless hurt and pain and start to become more receptive to outside life.
- Encourage them to try counselling and hypnotherapy. If you feel that your friend has issues or bad habits that have been a factor in the divorce it can help to suggest that they address those problem areas. Counselling and hypnotherapy can help them start to resolve those areas, improve their understanding of the situation and have better prospects in any future relationships they may envisage.
- Try not to take sides. Being supportive and empathising with you friend is important but joining in and fuelling the situation is of no benefit to anyone. It may simply succeed in prolonging the anger.
- Consider the children. If your friend has custody of the children they may need help with entertaining them if they are unused to being with them alone. Fathers often find that having the children for set visitation periods is quite stressful at first. They want to make the times together as fun as possible but are inexperienced at entertaining the children alone and struggle with such an artificial situation. Mothers may need additional babysitting support at times, especially if they need to start working or want to go out for an occasional evening.
- Encourage good habits. When a person is distressed they may forget to take proper care of themselves. Encourage them to shop, eat, wash, sleep. It may help to invite them to stay with you for a little while if you are in a position to do so. Try to discourage excessive alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a depressant and can become a bad habit when a person is feeling low.
- Give support to outside interests. Healthy outside interests like sport, volunteer work, interests that include other people can be an important distraction. Often divorce gives people more free time which can mean more time to think and feel miserable.
Supporting a friend through their divorce can be an intensive time and quite draining. The phrase 'start as you mean to go on' can be useful to remember. In the initial days a person may need a lot of support, but as time goes on encourage them to become more independent, involve other friends and interests. That way you support a more positive basis for your friendship that respects both your lifestyles.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples in crisis to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.
Further help, advice and articles are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net/

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The main reasons for divorce-why most of the pairs ends with their marriage

What are the main reasons for divorce? There is a common thread running through the grounds for divorce? There is something, what can be done in order to avoid the main grounds for divorce?
Is your marriage on the rocks and you're scared that maybe you're going to divorce? While many couples of this decision every year, there are some of the main reasons for divorce. Read on for the most common reasons why to choose the pairs to the end of their marriage, and see if any one of them corresponds to what you and your husband now faces.
Infidelity
The number one reason for the divorce is one partner out of the marriage. This can lead To very real breakdown of trust and communication in the framework of marriage. In fact, infidelity is given as a reason for the Department in more than one third of the distribution in the United States. It really doesn't matter, if the partner has cheated once, twice or repeated touch. There are also several reasons for the affair, including resentment or sexual boredom.
Communication Breakdown
If it is able to clearly communicate the steam, it will eventually lead to the collapse of the marriage, which could result in divorce. This can occur when the pair to avoid the Exchange or can't talk to each other without conflict. Communication is the cornerstone of every marriage and there must be for the relationship for survival.
Abuse
This abuse can come in many forms, including sexual, emotional, physical or psychological. Whenever one wife is offensive to the other or to the children, then the other of the spouses shall immediately file for divorce. Physical abuse may include a fight and beats. Emotional abuse may include such things as verbal insults, leading to humiliation and intimidation.
Financial questions
The other main cause of divorce is money. When financial stress enters into marriage, may cause a total breakdown. Almost every couple will have to deal with the financial stress on one place or another, but it is this stress or not wedding comes. So much tension over finances is aggravated because the partners have a different way of handling stress due to the different nature and priorities. Couples may even have problems, when no debt. It happens when couples agree on the allocation of financial resources and can bring about the end of the relationship.
Boring
These distributions are usually the least bitter of all, because they involve money or other persons. These divorces occur as partners has grown to several years simply by itself. May be disinterested and distant and less common as it once was. In fact, most couples start a seven-year itch and some relationships last much longer, even if it is not always the case. One way to boredom that comes to the marriage is to make sure that you are a very good match and do things together, and try new things with each other.
If you want to find out more about how to obtain the male attention, click to understand men. You will learn all the secrets to Fall in Love with you.
Janice Evans is a Dating and relationship expert. Her passion is to write informative articles for women who want to improve their love life. Visit for more information.


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Reasons For Divorce - Why Husbands and Wives End Their Marriages

Why do married couple end up separating? Are you worried that your own marriage might end up in divorce? Are you aware of the main reasons why partners separate after years of married life?The proportion of marriages that end in divorce is on the increase. It is sad that couple go for the divorce option when they find things lacking in their marriage. They seem to have devalued the sanctity of marriage. What really are the main reasons for divorce? Here are some explanations for you to consider.
Having an addiction
One of the main reasons for divorce is an addiction, either to alcohol, substances, or gambling. These addictions make it likely that a marriage will end up in divorce. If you always knew your partner had an addiction but married them nonetheless, then you must be prepared for some significant consequences. Do not hold the belief that your partner will change once you get married, as this is very rarely the case.
Being unfaithful
A partner being unfaithful is one of the main reasons for divorce. This is most common of male partners. Although there are also women who are easily tempted into infidelity. Unfaithfulness is common in marriages. If a partner has an affair, it becomes very difficult to trust them again. Even if the affair ceases, if the trust is gone, then the marriage will likely be over.
Being abused
There are lots of reasons for divorce but abuse of a sexual or emotional nature is very difficult to get past. Counseling and rehabilitation would be needed for a long period of time. A marriage in which abuse has been a factor will very often end in divorce.
No commitment
If people get married while one or both of the partners is not ready for that level of commitment, then the marriage may fail. There a number of explanations why people enter marriage before they are ready for it. This can be because of a pregnancy that was a surprise, or the partners may be in love but have not thought properly about their future life together.
Immaturity
If one of the partners in a marriage is still immature, this may mean the marriage ends in divorce. You cannot control a person's lack of maturity. If someone is immature still, then they will be unable to properly process and understand issues.
These are the main five reasons for divorce. We can only prevent marriage ending in divorce if we learn how to compromise. You don't have to rush into marriage. Hold off for the correct time so everything will go well. If you are already in a marriage, be adult enough to meet your responsibilities as a marriage partner and perhaps also as a parent. You can't be selfish in a marriage.
To find out more about how to get male attention, click Understand Men. You'll learn all the secrets to make a man Fall in Love with you.
Janice Evans is a dating and relationship expert. Her passion is to write informative articles for women who want to improve their love lives. Visit her site for more information.

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